Operation: Hiwassee

Situation Reports from Bravo-Hotel Zero 1

#bikeboatbeamerboondoggle

DECLASSIFIED: Freedom of Information Act. Requesting Authority: Newman

Situation Reports: 28Aug15

Sitrep 1 – 18:20 CDT: Late departure to high value target objective. Command & Control issues.

Sitrep 2 – 21:50 EDT: Arrive at objective Gee Creek. Discover campsite Alpha-16 occupied by unknown poachers. Due to Missing in Action reinforcements, decide not to engage the enemy at this time.

Sitrep 3 – Zero-Dark-Thirty: Killed in Action: air mattress experiences catastrophic failure.

Sitreps 4 thru 18 – air mattress still experiences catastrophic failure.

Situation Reports: 29Aug15

Sitrep 1 – 10:30 EDT: Launch flotilla early to avoid civilians on the main river channel before Appalachia Powerhouse river release of Generator #2.

Sitrep 2 – 11:30 EDT: Observation – river level not improving (de-briefed later that Generator #2 had failed earlier at 06:42 EDT).

Sitreps 3 thru 79 – 11:30 to 12:36 EDT: U.S.S. Bobert runs aground 76 times. No major injuries.

Sitrep 80 – 12:42 EDT: Complete sortie at point Zulu,12 klicks downstream at Childers Creek. “Intelligence” alert: vehicle and bike security keys are missing in action. Presumed drowned at Devil’s Shoals.

Sitrep 81 – 12:59 EDT: Communications gear inoperative due to geography of terrain (BFE) grid: 35.187019 N -84.499096 E

Sitrep 82 – 13:47 EDT: Escape & Evasion by land from previous coordinates to civilian village 4 klicks south-east.

Sitrep 83 – 14: 51 EDT: Reestablish communications. Request extraction from nearest transport asset. Request chroptyology team.

Sitrep 84 – 16:30 EDT: Transport flatbed arrives with no chroptyology team. Unable to gain access to lock-out vehicles. Flatbed transports vehicle and boat to nearest major population center 130 kilometers south-west. Bicycle asset abandoned at egress point.

Sitrep 85 – 17:38 EDT: Chroptyology asset identified as The Lock Guys, located in Dalton, GA.

Sitrep 86 – 19:45 EDT: Vehicle security system deciphered, reprogrammed and reinitiated.

Sitrep 87 – 20:51 EDT: Regress back to point Zulu at Childers Creek. Bicycle asset liberated under cover of darkness from security cable attached to US Government NPS sign (hack-saw).

Sitrep 88 – 01:27 CDT: Return to base. Bravo-Hotel Zero1 out.

…END OF SITREPS Bravo-Hotel Zero1

After action analysis recommendations:

1. leave the keys concealed near the vehicles.
2. verify water conditions prior to departure
3. provide back-up communication radios

This is a true story. Hyperbole’d liberally.